6. Power Can Influence Play

It’s time we talked about consent and power.

It’s important for us all to reflect on the power we hold within different contexts and relationships in our lives.

Power dynamics exist within every interaction and every relationship we have, whether we notice these dynamics or not. Think about some of the different relationships you have in your life: these might be with friends, teachers, mentors, a partner or people you work with. How do the power dynamics differ between these relationships? Are there some relationships that feel more equal to you than others?

Power dynamics and imbalances are not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing, provided we have the skills to recognise their impacts and navigate them safely. It is important to note that where there is a substantial power imbalance between people, it may not be possible for the person with less power to freely consent to any kind of sexual or romantic relationship with the person with more power. This can be true even where the person with less power really wants to consent. This is because power imbalances can make it really difficult for a person with less power to feel comfortable and able to say ‘no’, or lead to someone feeling like they need to please or appease the person with more power.

Some examples of relationships where a there is a significant power imbalance include:

a student and their teacher
an employee and their boss
a health professional and their patient

What factors can affect power in a relationship?

There are so many factors that can influence the power we hold within an interaction or relationship. Some examples of factors that might influence the power we hold include:

Financial status and income
Social status or popularity
Physical appearance
Age

Visa or citizenship status
Culture
Ethnicity
Gender
Sexuality

Whether someone is ‘out’ or comfortable sharing their gender identity/sexuality
Life experience
Sexual experience
Disability status
Position within an organisational hierarchy (e.g. the position someone works in within a company)
Relationship to a person or group of people

As we can see, there are a lot of different examples of factors that can affect power dynamics! Talking about power can feel complicated, and that’s because power dynamics can be complicated. Just like people’s identities, power dynamics are nuanced and intersectional. This means that different parts of a person’s identity can overlap and influence the power a person does or does not have within a relationship or group.

As noted above, sometimes there are structural power imbalances in a relationship. An example of this might be where a cis person has a relationship with a trans person, or where a white person has a relationship with a person of colour.

Often where this is the case, the person who identifies as part of the marginalised group can be burdened with educating the other person about their lived experience. While there might be times where are happy to share our lived experiences and educate others, there may also be times where we do not have the energy to educate others.

How can I navigate a power imbalance in a relationship?

When it comes to navigating power imbalances within our own lives and relationships, communication is key. This is true for relationships we have with our family members, friends, partners, colleagues and peers.

Consider finding a time that works for both you and the other person/people to sit down and have an open, respectful discussion about some of the things that might be influencing the power dynamic in the relationship. Be curious and open to learning more about each other’s identities, life experiences and boundaries.

In situations and relationships where we hold more power than another person, it can be difficult to understand the impact of our power on others. As a starting point you might consider asking yourself: could the power I hold in this relationship affect how comfortable this person feels saying ‘no’ to me?

If the answer is ‘maybe’ or ‘yes’, think about ways that you might be able to equalise the power in the relationship, and make the other person feel more comfortable expressing their boundaries. This might look like letting the other person know that you care about them and that you want them to feel able to communicate their wants, needs and boundaries. You might consider exploring different ways of communicating, to find what feels right for each of you.

We all have the right to have power over our bodies and to make choices in our own lives. If you feel like you do not have power to talk about your boundaries, be heard, and make choices about your own life because of a relationship, this can be a sign of an unhealthy relationship dynamic. In these cases, it can be helpful to speak to someone you trust outside of the relationship, or to contact a support service.

Power and diverse ways of play

Certain ways of play and sexual dynamics might involve playing with power dynamics, for example, a dominant-submissive dynamic.

Before jumping in and exploring new ways of play with your partner/s it is really important to have an open conversation about everyone’s expectations and boundaries. Be curious about what your partner wants and does not want, and let each other know what you need to feel safe and to have fun.

As always, consent is fundamental when it comes to any kind of sexual activity. Consent is about respecting the person you are having sex with, to ensure they are safe, comfortable and feel able to communicate what they want to and do not want to do. No matter what kind of play you are exploring, everyone deserves to feel empowered when it comes to their own body and deciding what kind of sex they want to have.

Talk about how you will check-in with each other, and how you will communicate with each other if anyone wants to slow down, take a pause or stop at any point.

6. Power Can Influence Play

What factors can affect power in a relationship?

How can I navigate a power imbalance in a relationship?

Power and diverse ways of play

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