4. Violence Isn't Always Visible

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Our ideas about what domestic, family, and sexual violence looks like, who experiences violence and who perpetrates violence are often shaped by the media we consume and the conversations happening around us. The way that violence is spoken about and depicted can mean that certain forms of violence and experiences of violence may be less ‘visible’ than others.
Depictions of domestic, family and sexual violence, often involve physical forms of violence perpetrated by a cisgender man against a cisgender woman in the context of a romantic relationship. However, it’s important to consider that this is just one example of what violence can look like.

Homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, intersexphobia – along with sexism, ableism, racism, and colonisation – are all drivers of domestic, family and sexual violence. Because of this, LGBTQIA+ folk may be more likely to experience violence. Research has also suggested that people who identify as LGBTQIA+ experience domestic, family and sexual violence at similar, if not higher, rates compared to the rest of the community.
It's important that we all understand the ways that violence can present itself in diverse relationships and dynamics, and that we understand what diverse, healthy relationships can look like too.

What does domestic and family violence look like for LGBTQIA+ folk?

Domestic and family violence happens when one person in a relationship hurts another or makes them feel unsafe, and is a repeated pattern of behaviour. These forms of violence can occur in lots of different kinds of relationships. It can be perpetrated by a person’s family members (such as parents, grandparents, siblings, children, extended family or chosen family), or by someone’s romantic and/or sexual partner/s, for example.

Domestic and family violence does not always involve physical violence. In fact, the impacts of non-physical forms of violence can be as severe on a person’s wellbeing. A recent study found that verbal and emotional violence were two of the most common forms of family violence experienced by LGBTQ+ people.

There may be similarities in experiences of domestic and family violence for LGBTQIA+ folk and for people who don’t identify as part of the LGBTQIA+ community. However, there are some forms of violence that may be uniquely experienced by the LGBTQIA+ community.

Examples of these forms of violence can include:

Outing/Threats to Out: Sharing or threatening to share information about a person’s sexual orientation, gender identity, intersex status or HIV status without their consent.
Policing or controlling a person’s gender expression: This could look like controlling what clothes a person wears or how they behave or physically present themselves.
Refusing to use a person’s pronouns or deadnaming (referring to a transgender or non-binary person by a name they no longer use).
Telling someone their identity isn’t real.
Controlling or limiting someone’s access to medication or gender transition related healthcare (e.g. PrEP/PEP, hormones, contraception, counselling, etc.).
Making someone attend ‘conversion courses’ or programs designed to suppress/change a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity.
Certain forms of sexual violence: Touching or forcing someone to have sex that involves parts of their body that don’t align with their gender identity.
Denying or minimising violence based on the false belief that LGBTQIA+ people don’t experience domestic or family violence.

How do I know if I am experiencing violence within a relationship?

Sometimes it can be tricky to identify if we are experiencing violence in relationships in our own lives. Violence can present differently depending on the relationship and context. Often violence can take subtle forms, or the person using violence might be using tactics that make you question whether what you’re experiencing is real or that make you feel like the violence is your fault.

As a starting point, it could be helpful to ask yourself the following questions:

Does this person respect my boundaries?
Does this person respect my identity, and how I express my identity?
Does this person make me feel safe and supported?
Do I have freedom in this relationship to make choices about:
- Who I spend my time with?
- Where I go (e.g. to the shops, to work, to see friends, to sport/hobbies, etc.)?
- What cultural and/or religious practices I engage in?
- How I express myself and my identity?
- How I spend or save my money?
- Where and how I work/study?
- My body, and how I share my body with others?

If your answer is ‘no’ to any of the above, this could indicate that particular aspects of your relationship with that person are becoming unhealthy or that you may be experiencing violence in the relationship.

If you think you might be experiencing violence within a relationship in your life, or if you’re not sure if what you’re experiencing is violence, it can be helpful to speak to someone about the aspects of the relationship that are making you feel unsafe, unheard or uncomfortable.

You might choose to speak to someone in your life who you trust, or to someone from a support service.

Say It Out Loud also has a Healthy Relationship Quiz designed to help you identify elements of your relationships that may be unhealthy or abusive.

What does a healthy relationship look like?

It’s important to remember that relationships are as diverse as we are. There is no one way to have a healthy relationship, and relationships will look different depending on the boundaries and values of the people in the relationship.

Fundamentally, a healthy relationship is one:

Where everyone in the relationship feels safe.
Where everyone’s boundaries are respected.
Where everyone in the relationship has freedom to make choices.
Where everyone in the relationship can communicate openly and feel heard.

It’s normal to have ups and downs over the course of a relationship. Even in a healthy relationship it can be common to have disagreements or have days where you question aspects of the relationship. When it comes to conflict in a relationship, what’s important is that everyone in the relationship feels able to work through the conflict in a way that is respectful and safe.

There’s still a long way to go when it comes to LGBTQIA+ representation, especially when it comes to representing queer and gender diverse people in healthy, respectful relationships. Fortunately, we’re living in a time where we have better representation of LGBTQIA+ identities than ever before.

To celebrate the diversity of LGBTQIA+ relationships, Say It Out Loud has published Our Relationships — a series of short self-filmed documentaries that spotlight four LGBTQ+ relationships.

Respect Victoria has also released the Pride, Respect, Equality campaign (video), which highlights what safe and supportive relationships between LGBTQIA+ people and their family members can look like.

4. Violence Isn't Always Visible

What does domestic and family violence look like for LGBTQIA+ folk?

How do I know if I am experiencing violence within a relationship?

What does a healthy relationship look like?

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